What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:09
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Have your parents ever walked in on you?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I waited trembling.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was scared of men, in general
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What is the happy reality of our generation?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was seconnd youngest,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She found it foreign!.
All the time i was locked up.
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She loved him until the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I will be 64.
What did i know ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But, we were locked up after school.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He resisted the act ,that day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was very sick at this time too.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He knew the spot.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im still living with it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was in good health!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i lived it daily.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I think the readers, may guess!
We all went to grammer schools
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I have no regrets .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Put me off passion for life!!
One cannot live in the past .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Would this be the day?
We were not on the streets..
Ive learnt so much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I said to her
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Comes on , in middle age.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it wasn’t much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When she asked me how she looked .
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So, i spoilt her more .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did it because my mum asked me too!